Yeah, My Feelings Get Hurt, Too.

Okay, so this post doesn't have anything to do with being a Black female in today's society. It is solely about me- someone who just so happens to be a Black female in today's society- and my issues. I'm utilizing the diary portion of my blog title more than the "Token Black Girl" part, so please bear with me.

I've mentioned my abandonment issues on here before, but I did not realize how much my issues with my absentee parents and uninterested sisters have impacted interactions with other people until today. I honestly have no idea how to have healthy relationships with people because I'm terrified that they'll leave me if I'm too much of a burden.

A prime example would be my friendship (if I can even still call it that) with someone I think of as a big sister. When I first started talking to this girl before my sophomore year, let's just say I wasn't in the best place emotionally. Having grown up in a household where feelings were not shown and affection was not given all of the time, I clung to the first person who showed me what it was like to have a big sister. I was ecstatic to have someone to talk to about the feelings I was too scared to tell anyone else. Then, she went off to college. Texts went unanswered, our monthly phone calls became few and far between, and she was caught up with her new friends on the rare occasions we did see each other. In my mind, I was losing the one person I had. I honestly still feel that way now.

Now, most individuals would either tell the other person how they feel or dissolve the friendship, but not me. I couldn't do either. I kept texting, kept calling, kept trying to make plans that almost always fell through. I also kept my mouth shut. Every single person knew how I was feeling, but the person who I wanted to notice the most. I couldn't tell her, though. What if she decided I wasn't worth the trouble and said the words I dreaded to hear: "I don't have time for you anymore." Nope, it was just better to stay quiet and take what I could get. I didn't want to lose my big sister.

How does this relate to the present day a year later? Well, I actually told her how I felt today. Except I couldn't make myself say everything I wanted to because the fear of losing my only confidant. I didn't fully express my irrational anger at her for letting me be vulnerable around her only for it to seem like she's casting me aside. I didn't fully express the hurt I feel every time she doesn't text back has to rush off the phone to do something else.

That's why I'm writing this blog post. Because it's almost 10:30 on a school night and I'm sobbing while typing this because I don't know how else to express how hurt my feelings are and I just want my big sister back. Too bad I'm too emotionally stunted to tell her that.